When the listener is listening with the goal of understanding, one common outcome is that the person sharing often spontaneously comes up with their own solution. Another common outcome is that the listener feels less anxious and more receptive. It’s a common superpower amongst the best leaders, spouses, partners, and friends. Truly listening (without getting defensive) feels like the psychological skill of the moment. After such a conversation, partners often report feeling closer to each other, and there’s good reason for this.
When practicing active listening, practitioners should also self-monitor for judgments that might come up while the person is speaking. The first example is a reflection of the content of what was shared. These types of reflections validate the speaker and help them feel heard and understood. In many ways, active listening is a mindfulness practice.
Are they leaning in (engaged), leaning back (aloof), arms open and animated (excited), arms crossed (closed and defensive)? When you’re listening with intent, it means you’re focusing on what the person is saying and leading with curiosity. Counterintuitively, this can be hard — especially with the people you’re closest to. “Sometimes when we’re close to people, we have a lot of assumptions about our shared understanding of things. And so we might listen sort of casually,” Israel says.
The practice of being more conscious while listening can benefit your career. In your day-to-day conversations with colleagues, in networking, and in sustaining genuine connections as a manager, listening makes people feel heard. Empathy, the basis of active listening, is crucial in building meaningful relationships. Active listening can even help you manage your emotions, retain data and information better, and resolve conflicts. Good listening skills are some of the most underrated and crucial tools to helping people feel heard and valued. Being a good listener takes practice, just like any skill, and it can be difficult to know where to start.
Listening is more than just being physically present when another person is talking. Anyone who has deployed a disengaged “mhmm” while their partner asks about dinner or a kid breaks down the difference between a brontosaurus and a triceratops knows this well. But listening — not just hearing — means a lot more than that. And dedicating yourself to actively listening can be radical and transformative. Distraction is usually a sign your attention is split, not that you do not care.
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If you find yourself in an argument, a good way to reduce the “temperature” is to slow down your response rate. By pausing to listen to what your partner has to say, they feel heard and become calmer. When you listen to your partner in this moment, you increase your chance of being heard later on. Speakers choose their words carefully, and listeners pause long afterward to formulate their responses. Such conversations can at times be excruciating as we anxiously await our partner’s response. This involves a conscious effort to stay present in the moment, putting aside distractions and own thoughts to fully concentrate on what the speaker is saying.
Listening is a skill that can be developed and improved with practice. Some of the steps and skills to becoming a better listener can seem obvious or simple but are difficult to do consistently. The 10 steps below are all proven ways to become better at active listening. With that said, it’s important that the person you’re speaking with doesn’t feel like they’re in a job interview — or on the witness stand. From improved relationship satisfaction to enhanced empathy, research shows that active listening is a life skill worth mastering. And while it does take time to develop conversational sensitivity, it really does come down to practice, and putting yourself into conversation with people who are different from you.
Plus, be the first to receive exclusive content & discounts. A wonderful example of the comparison of empathetic and other responses can be found in Brené Brown’s video below about sympathy versus empathy. This may manifest as diverting the conversation away, logically arguing, or even reassuring. Again, while reassurance seems comforting, it often shuts down or ends the conversation for the other person. If these judgments aren’t monitored, they may cause criticizing, labeling, diagnosing, or even praising in a way that leads the speaker (Robertson, 2005). The fact that communication is a two-way street is something that everyone accepts, but not everyone keeps in mind.
You might be able to suss out an underlying emotion to better understand what might be going on with the person you’re talking with. People prefer talking to people who genuinely listen, and this helps build stronger relationships. The goal of active listening is to create a safe environment for the individual to speak freely.
With this imagery in mind, they become aware of roadblocks they are placing in their own way, such as defensiveness, distraction, or a knee-jerk desire to problem-solve. They may also become aware of roadblocks they want to keep in the way. While truly listening is a gift, it’s not one we are obligated to give, especially if the person speaking to us is acting in an abusive, or unkind way. In stage one, the listener listens with the goal of solving their partner’s problem. In stage two, the listener listens solely with the goal of understanding. Again, the results vary individual to individual, but in 100% of the cases, the difference between the two listening styles is palpable within minutes.
- It’s important that the stage be set by allowing the speaker enough time and space to speak.
- One goal of active listening and being an effective listener is to set a comfortable tone that gives the speaker an opportunity to think and talk.
- Being a good listener takes practice, just like any skill, and it can be difficult to know where to start.
- Nonverbal communication — the ways we express thoughts or messages without speech, like our facial expressions, body movement, posture, eye contact or touch — can be just as powerful as what we say out loud.
- It is easier to do this with people once you get to know someone well, but a trial-and-error approach can help you figure this out with people you just met.
As the listener, if you have doubt or confusion about what the other person has said, say something like, “Let me see if I’m understanding. I didn’t follow you.” Asking for clarification shows you are paying attention. As a listener and a leader, be open to new ideas, new perspectives, and new possibilities when practicing active listening. Even when good listeners have strong views, they suspend judgment, hold any criticisms, and avoid interruptions like arguing or selling their point right away. This can be easier if you maintain an open body posture. For example, having your arms resting on the side, rather than crossed across the chest, can signal a greater degree of openness.
Bad listening habits are things you say, do, or don’t do in conversation that get in the way of being an active listener. Many bad listening habits are caused by having poor conversation skills. It is easier to do this with people once you get to know someone well, but a trial-and-error approach can help you figure this out with people you just met. Work on talking less by paying more attention to how much you talk and how long you talk compared to the other person. When you feel like you’ve talked too much, be intentional about stopping yourself and giving the other person a www.clippings.me/meetheage turn. In the age of distractions, active listening is both an art form and a vital skill to learn.
Below, a panel of Forbes Coaches Council members explain some actionable steps leaders can take to improve their active listening abilities, both in and out of the office. Being present in the moment allows you to listen more effectively. When someone in your life needs you to really listen it’s the perfect time to silence your notifications, turn off the radio or TV and just tune into them and their feelings. Empathy is the art of placing yourself in someone else’s shoes and understanding their feelings and perspectives. Instead, be fully present, offer a listening ear, and tune in to the other person’s emotional state.
But listening is not one way and does not only produce pleasure for those being listened to. As many in the therapeutic profession can attest, learning how to listen can itself be an enjoyable and stimulating activity. Because when you know how to listen, people—ordinary, everyday people—become fascinating, curious, and even entertaining. A social psychologist with over 20 years of experience, Diane is a researcher with expertise in executive education and consulting. At CCL, she conducts research and provides subject matter expertise in the areas of women and leadership, the gendered assessment of workplace helping behaviors, leader listening behaviors, and employee voice.
There are plenty of other situations in which listening in slow mode yields better results. This is especially true when the conversation topic is complex or is likely to elicit unpleasant thoughts or hurt feelings. For instance, if you’re consulting with your doctor, you’d much prefer careful, measured responses to your questions than rapid rejoinders. In this case, the “slow” listening mode indicates that the other person is thinking carefully about what to say next. Like all social skills, listening is a skill that is learned and developed over time through real-life interactions. Most good listeners have just had more practice interacting with people or have made more of an effort to intentionally develop their skills.
What happens in your mind when you hear the phrase, “We need to talk?” I am literally a professional listener, and still, that phrase puts me on guard. But when another human has something important to share, the best thing we can do is get into a mindset for listening. However, this doesn’t mean that rapid-response conversation will always bring the conversation partners closer together. For instance, when a couple argues, they leave little gap between turns, and the turns often overlap.
Reflect Back What You’ve Heard
Reflecting is an active listening technique that indicates that you and your counterpart are on the same page. This is key in showing emotional intelligence, which improves leadership effectiveness. Active listening is the ability to focus completely on a speaker, understand what they’re saying, respond and reflect on what’s being said, and retain the information for later.
Time To Talk
Used in combination, these 6 active listening techniques are the keys in holding a coaching conversation. Toward the end of your interaction, make sure you end on a high note. Share a quick summary or a few notes about what the speaker said. If prompted, give your thoughts and opinions in a way that demonstrates you have digested the information.
Clarifying and paraphrasing the information back to the speaker can help both of you fill in any gaps in understanding. “Some things that can help us become better listeners are being thoughtful of when and where we are having important conversations,” said Lund-Richardson. “For example, if I have kids running around me or I am doing the dishes, I am naturally going to be more distracted. 💙 One of the most important parts of Nurturing Relationships is listening from a place of openness and kindness so the other person feels supported and heard. Listening is a big part of how you can help a friend with anxiety or depression. Or, to learn more about how to fill your relationships with mindfulness check out our Relationships with Others series.